May 23 2010, I decided to watch four big TV events in one night…the series finale of Lost, a show I’ve never seen; the finale of The Celebrity Apprentice, with one of the show’s favorites, Brett Michaels; the finale of Family Guy, just because it makes me belly-laugh; and, the Yankees-Mets rubber match. (Ott couldn’t help but put some of his own comments in italics)
8:11 pm- First pitch, Santana to Jeter. Base hit up the middle
8:30- Sabathia looks shaky. Got out of jam but doesn’t look right. And, easy one here, Texiera, well, he looks Lost. Speaking of which, Lost apparently is an all night event. Holy crap, I’m roped into watching 4 hours of a show that I have never watched before.
8:46- Yup, there it goes. After a two run single from Angle Pagan—yeah, his name is Angel Pagan- that’s ironic. Any way, Jason Bay jacks one to left center 4-0 Mets. Btw, checked the DVR and Family Guy’s season finale is another Star Wars spoof, and Trump finale tonight, too.
9:00- Lost is doing some freaky flashback, forward non-sense. Switch to Family Guy, Empire Strikes Back spoof, doesn’t seem as funny as the first one.
9:15- Family Guy is on commercial break, quick check of the score, 4-0. Flip back to Family Guy. Almost spot on Empire. Haven’t even check on Trump yet. Funniest Joke thus far is the “Nurf-header joke,” classic.
9:38- Commercial break. Time to check on The Apprentice, I’m secretly hoping that Bret Michaels’ strokes out and they have to call in C.C. Deville from the bullpen. First he’d plug his crappy ass garage band “The Step Sisters.” Speaking of CC, not looking good for Sabathia. 5-0 Mets.
9:41 -Celebrity Apprentice, replay of Maria getting fired because she complained about Curtis taking a monster crap in the female’s dressing room. Classy Maria.
9:43 -Family Guy. Wow- Lando is being played by Mort. Mort is a white, Jewish guy and Lando was originally played by Billy Dee Williams. “Look the Giant Chicken is Boba Fet.” Peter is frozen in carbonate while mooning.
9:48- Lost: Sayid and fat, hairy guy are sitting in a car. Fat, hairy guy is talking about rules. Street fight and Sayid steps in and saves a hot blonde check named Jenna (Ott: he means Shannon for those that know the show). Flashback and forward. One of the street fighters was in on a trick to get Sayid and Jenna together. Back on the island. Crazy psycho Claire is pissed off that someone tried to have her killed.
9:53- 6-0 Mets. Chris just got his arm cut off by Darth Stewie. Stewie just did the “I am your father speech…” If you want comedy and you don’t speak Spanish, watch the Spanish version of “The Empire Stikes Back.” – The accents alone will make you piss your pants.
9:58- Classic Family guy ending. They end Empire with the ending from Back-to-the-Future 2 “The electric Bugaloo”.
10:00- Trump is on Commercial. Flip over to Lost, wow; is that guy from the Lord of the Rings playing Guitar? Claire is pregnant and having issues. One of the main guys looks like he’s in Mum Ra’s Layer (the evil guy from Thunder Cats). Damn that old due just hit Zac up side the head with a rock (Ott: I have no idea who Huey means by Zac).
10:05- Strawberry just got 25k from Trump for his charity. Brett is talking (without a slur- must be sober) about his Diet Snapple drink. To bring everyone up to speed it’s Bret Michaels vs. Holly Robinson-Peete. Which brings me to a point. Can we stop with the hyphen already? Either take your husband’s last name or don’t. It doesn’t matter in the end and don’t be total douches and hyphen the kid’s name too. Bonus points to couples that create a new last name. It takes balls and because it can piss off everyone in the family. I wouldn’t do it. Also, Holly Robison-Peete didn’t do enough for people to actually remember who the hell she was. 21 Jump street was 85 years ago and lasted 3 seasons. Holly shouldn’t even be on the show…That’s right Bret, you take the high road and I’ll take the low road.
10:13- Still 6-0 Mets. Santana is pitching a gem. Yanks need to get healthy and Mark Texiera, that cute little slump you had in April has now carried over to an ugly May. If we wanted a first baseman with a good glove that couldn’t hit we would’ve signed Nick Johnson…wait, we did, and he’s on the DL.
10:17- Lost -old creepy guy is looking at a boat (is it the SS Minnow?). He turns back and is about to shank the young dude that was in the volcano with him. (break) Back to The Apprentice. Bret and Holly face off. Back to live in the studio. Joan Rivers is live along with Bill Rancic (the first ever Apprentice). Rivers is a horribly disfigured woman. Her face looks like she’s been stung by bees. She’s wearing a pearl necklace and I don’t have the heart to make a pearl necklace joke. I mean, I think she actually blew Moses. I think I might actually use the image of Joan Rivers to suppress my erection in mixed company.
10:25- Dr. Shephard beat the shit out of the old dude and now he’s operating on him. Mr. Locke is the old dude’s name. Locke is wiggling his toes. Seems like they both had a serious acid trip together. Break, commercial break for the game. Back to Trump. Intro time again. Holly Peete is wearing next to nothing- Trump just told Holly to sit the hell down while he intros Bret, and here he comes. We now know he wears a wig right? He had to have his head shaved for the operation. Oh shit, even Holly’s son is pulling for Bret Michaels. Bret is talking about his brain hemorrhage- yeah, he’s a head case- medically.
10:33- Holly is yammering on about the “Holly-Rod foundation.” Back to Lost. That Asian dude kinda looks like John Gosselin, seriously. Jack said Locke is dead. He wants to bang Kate, which I know for sure. Then there’s the guy that looks like Kevin Spacey’s retarded brother. James and Claire are getting back on the plane. Claire tells Jack that if she dies he can eat her…ha, I made that up. Rally time 6-1 Mets. Might be too little, too late.
10:38- SALT movie commercial, no shots of Albany. I just flipped back to Trump and Holly is still boring everyone about Holly-Rod. However, I did not know that Holly’s Dad was on “Sesame Street.” I think Gordon “the kid toucher,” just kidding. It was just Gordon. Time for a track from Cindy Lauper. Back to Lost. James and Kate can’t get to the plane. They are going to Jump in the Ocean and take the boat. Flash to present day…James is in the hospital. Jack gives him direction to a candy machine. Damn, that’s the FBI chick from “V.” She was on Lost? Her name is Jullian (Ott: read Juliet) and James killed her by letting go of her hand like on the opening scene of “Cliff Hanger”.
10:45- Rally over. 6-1 Mets bottom of the eighth. Back to The Apprentice. Holly is trying to get sympathy votes because her Mom has breast cancer. Tough Holly. Bret almost died so he gets all the sympathy points you bitch. Although if he loses he should be forced to say diabetes the right way (why do he and Wilfred Brimley pronounce it wrong?) and take the headband off.
10:52- 4-6-3 double play to end the bottom of the 8th. Time for a real rally. Bring in K-Rod and we’ll beat him. Jack is going into the Volcano – I guess fat, hairy guy is named Hugo and he’s crying like a pussy. Everyone is bellowing on about the Island and protecting it. Did Al Gore write this shit? Back to Apprentice. Here’s Trump’s choice. Both Charities are getting $250K. Time to make Ott and Huey a charity.
10:58. Bret Michaels wins. Any one surprised there? Ride the wind. (Ott: I would’ve went with a Cry Tough joke, but, this works too, Huey)
11:00- Top of the ninth. Two on, no one out. K-rod is warming up. Kevin Russo needs to get on. Why is important for SportsCenter to promo the fact that they are up next? They only mention it 500 times during the game. Do we need a reminder on the bottom of the screen as well? Damn, fielder’s choice, first and third, one out.
11:04- Lost. James, Kate, Jon Gosselin and a bunch of other people are on the plane heading home. Dr. Jack is in Mum Ra’s pit and figured something out. Hugo is screaming “Jack” like he’s Kate Winslet watching Leo sink to the bottom of the ocean.
11:07- Mets/Yanks- Jeter/K-Rod. Damn Bay hit two Home Runs? Base hit Jeter, Clutch comes through again. Rally over K-rod strikes out A-Rod. Bed time. Lost is over too (Ott: well, there were 23 more minutes, but we all know Huey had to get some sleep).